For children in foster care, the holidays aren’t necessarily the happiest time of the year. These children may be longing for or missing their biological family, there may be cultural differences and past traumas can resurface.
“As a foster parent, you’re trying to bring joy and really embrace that holiday season, but that’s not something that youth may be comfortable with, so there’s a lot of complex emotions that can come with any of the holidays,” says Tara Skibiel, the director of foster care services for Cayuga Centers, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
A Difficult Time of Year
The first step in preparing is to recognize that it’s a difficult time of year, says Ryan Senters, a father to 11 children—nine adopted from foster care. Two of his children are adults, and the rest are between the ages of 3 and 14.
Senters is also the founder of Ohana, a foster care and social service agency that provides homes for adults and kids with disabilities.
“We think a lot of the time that the holidays are the most joyous times…but for kids in foster care, it can be a very sad time because it’s a reminder,” Senters says. “The holidays are all about family, and even though you’re their foster family and they love you very much, their story didn’t start with you.”
Parents should honor their child’s story, never bad-mouth the child’s biological family and make sure to listen and give the child space to grieve, Senters explains.
“I would say, like, ‘I can imagine the holidays and Christmas could be a little bit sad, and it’s OK to be sad, but we’re here for you and we love you, and [we’re here] if you want to talk,’” Senters suggests.
If the child is allowed to have visitation with their biological family, foster parents could respect that connection by communicating with their foster child’s caseworker to see if additional contact would be possible and appropriate, Skibiel says.
Cultural Differences
To help foster and adopted children feel at home, Senters says his family has navigated cultural differences by incorporating the former foods and traditions of these children.
Avoid assumptions about what those traditions might be or what kids might know.
“I had a 12-year-old tell me that the tooth fairy doesn’t come to see foster kids because she doesn’t know where we are,” Andrea Strumpf, a Massachusetts foster parent with seven years of experience, recalls.
The tooth fairy, for Strumpf’s part, left $10 under the child’s pillow and an apology letter for the delay.
“You gotta know the child you’re dealing with, and if they still believe in Santa or they still believe in the tooth fairy, they still believe in something—even if it’s not something you believe in. You don’t know what these kids have been through,” Strumpf says. “You don’t want to be the one to burst the bubble if you don’t have to. They’ll burst it on their own just like any other child.”
Strumpf, who is Jewish, has also navigated cultural differences between herself and the children in her care. She and her husband bought one child a small Christmas tree for her room because the child wanted it there so Santa would know where to leave her presents.
“She did not think Santa would know what to do with a menorah,” Strumpf says.
Facilitating Inclusion
Some children might be reluctant to participate in their foster family’s traditions, and parents should not try to force them. Senters suggests that parents can teach a child about their traditions before the holiday and let them know that they are welcome to participate.
“If they’re really mad or sad, and they don’t want to do it, that’s where you have to adjust your expectations and give them space to not do it,” Senters says.
But parents shouldn’t assume children won’t want to be involved or enjoy themselves either.
“Don’t force it, but if they want to be part of it, make sure they know that it’s alright for them to be part of it because they might like it, it might be fun. My foster daughter loves Jewish holidays now because we’ve bent over backwards to show her how much fun they could be,” Strumpf says.
Strumpf points to inexpensive resources to help with the cost of holiday experiences for each child. Many museums, zoos and youth organizations offer free or discounted memberships for children in foster care. State and county child welfare services may also have information about what programs are available.
Parents should also consider what their relatives might need to know.
Senters says he’s seen situations where foster children might go to the house of an extended family member and see biological children receiving many gifts while they receive fewer or no gifts at all.
Prepare family members by making sure they know you are bringing your foster children and that they need to make sure these children are treated the same as biological children would be.
“You see extended families have a lot of trouble with that,” Senters cautions.
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